“…But death has no fear for me. I do wonder what it would be like physically; I am basically a wimp and don’t want pain :-) But Ecclesiastes 3 does say that there is a time to die. I don’t know if this is my time or not – only God does. But I know that He has given me this time to prepare…
I do feel that God has given me an acceptance of my situation – and not just acceptance but joyful anticipation of what lies ahead. I believe God’s promises that there is a heaven, that it is a wonderful place of rest and reward. The Bible says that our “light and momentary sufferings” here on earth are nothing compared to the glory that waits us in heaven – a place where there are no tears, no sorrow, no pain, a place of total happiness, of worship, where the Lord God Himself will be all the light that we need. It really is my permanent home. (And we have never owned our “own” home).
Along with the feeling of acceptance is also peace – a peace that I believe can only come from God. Of course, my greatest regret would be leaving the children and Mark. I love them so much and would love to see them continue to grow and mature, if the Lord allows. But last year when I was alone at MDAnderson, before we even knew about Mark, I resolved the issue regarding the children. I feel that I have an assurance from God that the children will be OK if they choose to believe Him; ultimately they are His responsibility.
There are so many verses about God’s love, His promises to always be with us, to guide us in the way that we should go. It doesn’t mean that it won’t be difficult for the children, but a Scriptural view of trials/ problems is that they can develop our character and mature us. My children will have the choice to accept God’s grace to deal with the situation or reject that grace and become bitter. It is their decision. I only know that they have been a tremendous blessing to me and they are great kids.
I have so much to be thankful for and what a joy to reach this point in life and have no regrets. I have had a very blessed life! I mentioned to you last Friday the verse about joy from Psalm 16. It’s a great Psalm and encourages me about my situation now and my future:
“Keep me safe, O God, for in you I take refuge. I said to the LORD, ‘You are my LORD; apart from you I have no good thing.’…
LORD, you have assigned me my portion and my cup; you have made my lot secure. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance.
I will praise the LORD who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me. I have set the LORD always before me. Because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken.
Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure. Because you will not abandon me to the grave, nor will you let your Holy One see decay.
You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence. With eternal pleasures at your right hand.”
God has assigned me what I am going through right now. (We don’t believe God caused this cancer; we live in a fallen world with lots of toxins!) Because God is almighty and sovereign, we also believe that nothing happens to us that He has not allowed (like in the story of Job. Satan could not touch Job without God’s permission). We don’t know why He allows these things; in our finite minds we cannot understand all the ways of God. But we believe His Word that He can use all of these things for good in our lives and in the lives of others.
It seems that the closer I get to “meeting my Maker” the more full my heart is with joy and love for Him and wonder at all He has done and is doing. I believe that the grave is not the end of me. That is where this shell of a body of mine will go. But that which is the essence of me will go on to live eternally in heaven in the presence of the LORD. There is my inheritance.”
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